On My Knees


Have you ever had something scare you that it makes you hit your knees? And by hit your knees, I mean pray? That moment came to me this past week.

As most of you know, I have a daughter with leukemia. Technically I not sure if it is right to say she still has leukemia since she is in remission and has no signs of cancer cells in her blood, but none the less, she is still being treated for this nasty disease. Over Christmas break she started to develop mouth sores, which we have dealt with before, that seemed to be getting progressively worse. She couldn’t eat her favorite mashed potatoes at Christmas dinner or enjoy the candy that filled her stocking.

Even though she was in pain, she was in good spirits and enjoyed the Christmas activities. By evening on Christmas day, I had taken her in to our local ER. (This is not the hospital we go to for chemo.) I figured it was simply a case of mucositis and we would get some magic mouthwash and things would be all good. I was right on the diagnoses.

Mucositis is the painful inflammation and ulceration of the mucous membranes lining the digestive tract, usually as an adverse effect of chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment for cancer.

The next couple of days were still rough on her. She couldn’t eat and was only sipping water. She also started breaking out with tiny blisters all over her hands and feet. That made me start to think she could have hand, foot and mouth disease. Which seems weird since she is 13. After talking to her oncologist, we took her in to Wesley for some fluids and to have a pediatric doctor check her out. They did some cultures on the sores, gave her some good pain meds and sent her on way.

At this point, I wasn’t really worried about what was going on because her blood counts were good and she wasn’t running any temperature.  After a couple days of the pain meds, she seemed to be doing better. She could eat certain foods and was in a great mood. As we were settling in to watch a movie, that is when we both noticed it. The one thing that scares me to the core. Petechiae.

Petechiae are  small red or purple spots caused by bleeding into the skin.

When Mallorie was diagnosed back in December 2013, what sent us to the ER was petechiae (Which I thought was some type of rash.) on her legs, ankles and feet. And that is where this petechiae was located. I could see the fear in Mal’s eyes and my heart skipped a beat. But I told her that she had nothing to worry about because her counts were good. Inside I was on the verge of a total break down. I immediately thought the cancer was back.

Early the next morning I spoke with the nurse and she recommended that we go get lab work done to just make sure her counts hadn’t dropped since she was dealing with some type of virus. The cultures she had in the ER weren’t growing anything, so I was totally stumped on what was going on. We went and got labs done that morning and waited for the results. Waiting is the worst.



As I was at home trying to keep myself busy, I started thinking about how I haven’t been praying regularly. We all seem to reach out to God when things suck, but when life is going smooth praying can become an after thought. When Mallorie was first diagnosed, I prayed continually. As she got better, prayer ceased some. I didn’t thank God as much. And now that there was a slight possibility that Mal’s cancer could be back, the first place I run is God.

I am so thankful that God is all loving and full of grace. I felt bad at first for praying because I didn’t want him to think I only need him when life gets rough, but he knows my heart and my love for him is true. My shame was instantly removed. He is amazing. He always hears my prayers, knows my fears and dreams. He never leaves us, it is us who turn from him.

Waiting is the worst.

When we got the results I hit my knees again. There were no cancer cells present and everything still looked good. Heck yeah! I was told that petechiae can be present if there is a virus in the body, which she did. I was so filled with joy and relief.



We never found out what was causing Mal’s skin bumps, but all is well. Her mouth sores are gone and she is eating like a champ. This experience is a reminder to me to pray all the time. In the good and the bad. And to thank God every day for all the blessings he gives to me. I need to hit the ground more often.

22 thoughts on “On My Knees

      1. Me….. And about 200 people in a group I am in called cancer stories. All at different stages. I am in remission again now. I have been writing about how I have dealt with cancer for the last 7 months daily. 😊

      2. Oh no. That absolutely sucks, but thankful you are in remission. If I may ask, what type of cancer?

      3. I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma, I was at 4 a they told me when I got it first time round I had weeks to live. I had it in my bones and all organs. It’s a miracle I survived. Left with side effects of course but still. Life 😊

      4. I imagine you do. I just need to click over to your blog and read about your journey.

      5. I will do that this evening when I get home from work. I read a couple entries. Well done.

      6. Yep, I’m from ‘Merica. Lol. Kansas as a matter of fact. Where in England are you?

      7. I know your question is for the above comment, but I am going to answer. Yes, I do, my mom. Stage 4 renal cell carcinoma. Plus the care she had in the hosp nearly killed her TWICE, literally. During hte initial biopsy in August 2015, they nicked her liver. She then was having abdominal pain, which she did not have prior to being admitted to the hospital…no one would listen to me, my mom was getting mad at me, told the nurses not to give me info…well I am her only caretaker, only child…
        About 2 weeks later when she got home, had to take her to the ER twice within ~3 days. The second visit they realized she had an internal bleed. The surgeon said the odds are not good. I explained what I had been saying for at least two weeks…

        After surgery the surgeon said, I didn’t understand (this reminds me of your listen more post) wht you were saying, then in surgery I realized what you were saying and it is what you thought. It was an error during the biopsy, they nicked her liver and she’s had an internal beeld this entire time.

        2/3rds of her blood had bleed internally, and her blood count was down to a 5. She had to have 5 units of blood just to get her into surgery, they recovered what they could of her blood and replaced it during surgery, and gave her more units during surgery.

        Then a PT in the nursing home wasn’t paying attention and my mom started to fall, so now she has some damage to her knee. This is another story.

        Now, 6 Jan 2016, she is finally strong enough for us to focus on her cancer. I guess the care I am giving her, and my managing of her medical providers is helping. She’s now off of her BP med, no pain meds…she’s down from about 5 meds to ONE 🙂
        The one she is taking is blood thinner to help with the clots.
        It looks like, today or tomorrow, she will FINALLY start her targeted therapy oral medication for the cancer.
        Haven’t hit my knees :/ Can you believe it. I have been venting A LOT, hopefully in the right direction to the medical staff, directors managers…many people have offered to pray and of course I said YES!

        She had VERY shoddy discharges numerous times, which was a big bone of contention. I told the hospital staff firmly and at times MAYBE too loudly.
        Yesterday I heard there is a new law regarding the discharging of patients and having a caretaker on record notified and clearly informed of discharge instructions for all patients. I heard this on our local public radio channel. It came from the hospital where my mom had the above problems. The news segment stated all of the action items I brought to the attention of the directors and managers during the meeting I insisted we have.
        I’d like to think I was a part of that 🙂

  1. So glad it worked out, it’s amazing once you experience cancer, even if you think you’re over it, the fear and anxiety it will return lies like a coiled snake ready to strike, not only inside us but the ones we love. Many people will relate to this story.

    1. You hit the nail on the head. It’s just like a coiled snake. It’s like cancer is always lingering around. Hate it.

  2. I lost an aunt to cancer. It was hard to cope with reality for a while after that. My prayers are your daughter. I hope that you and your family can live happily without much worries. 🙂

    1. I am sorry to hear that. I truly hate cancer. And thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. 😊

  3. I loved reading this. I lost my mother to breast cancer 4 years ago and I just remember sitting in her hospital room praying, and then feeling guilty for praying because before then I really didn’t have an active prayer life. But just like you said, God is such a good God that he knows your struggles and issues and he hears you always. Sometimes we all need reminder to pray not just when things are bad, but to praise him all the time, no matter the situation. This is a great story, and I love that you told it. Thank you for sharing.

    1. I hate to hear about your mother. Cancer is awful. I’m glad you shared your thoughts. May your day be blessed.

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