The Calm Before The Storm

It is Sunday morning. Another day in the hospital. I really don’t know how to feel right now. The wind is forcefully whirling outside our room window. Mallorie sleeps.

I got to sleep at home last night. I slept well, but still feel exhausted. I was hoping when I got here this morning, Mallorie would be feeling better. She’s not. Actually, she’s worse. The infection she has is one of the worst side effects from chemo. She can’t eat and is in pain. The nurse and I were talking this morning about her state of health. During the conversation I realized that cancer is not just a disease of the body, but it is also a disease of the mind. 

Mallorie has to want to get better. I can’t make her better, her dad can’t make her better. She has to want it, but right now she has no control of anything going on in her life. She can’t control the pain, she wants to eat, but it is too painful. And every single day she stays in that bed she loses 10 percent of her strength. It breaks my heart because she was the most outgoing, always on the go child. 

Today we just rest. Even though she sleeps, I know she is thinking constantly how to beat this. It has to be on her time. I want her to fight now. I want her to suffer through the pain and eat. I want her to get up and walk. But I have no clue what she is going through. All I can do is be there and love her where she is, hold her when she cries and pray for her. Right now, this cancer may be in the lead, but it won’t be for long. When Mallorie makes the decision to fight, it will be with a vengeance. And as she rest, God is working in her. God has her wrapped up in His arms. I honestly think that this is the calm before the storm. Who knows what is going on between her and God while she sleeps. And when it is her time to fight, watch out because Mallorie ain’t no joke when she sets her mind to something. 

This morning as I rest I the bed next to Mallorie, there is peace. The nurses aren’t coming in, the halls are quite and besides the howling wind and the sounds of her machines there is silence. It has been a time of reflection and understanding. It is not our job to understand why things happen. But it is our job to live by faith and trust God. The bible states many times to cast your worries, fears, troubles and doubts to the Lord. Even though I still get upset, I still cry, I still get angry and I still at times have self-pity, I believe with every once of my soul, God is in control. It is funny, over the summer our family went on vacation to see relatives in South Carolina. While I was there I got my first tattoo with my cousin. So on my left wrist, inked in red, it reads, “Be Still’. It comes from the bible verse, Psalms 46:10, Be still and know that I am God. I wanted something to remind me to stop trying to be in control of everything. I never knew back in the summer that this tattoo would carry a more significant meaning by winter. I have said it many times and I will say it a thousand more, God makes everything beautiful in His own time. I stand by this statement and I look forward to that moment when God says, Mallorie, it is time. I have given you all you need. It is time to fight. 


7 thoughts on “The Calm Before The Storm

  1. Praying Mallorie will awake and the fight will begin with vengence. She has been bathed in prayer and her love, faith and testimony for Jesus will be her strength and protection during the fight. God is the blessed coontroller of all things and He loves you all!

  2. Wow right before I read this HiS sent you a comment not about what you had posted about eating but About what I just read! Dee Dee I wish I could make all things New for you and for Mallorie! I don’t have that power but Jesus does! So we will continue to ask to knock to seek and He has promised to answer. For now I’ll pray and believe and cry with you!

  3. I understand your desire for Mallorie to fight her cancer, and there is much she and you as her caregiver can do, but for right may I suggest “The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still.” (Exodus 14:14 NIV) I will pray for you both. For Mallorie, I pray for healing – “For I am the Lord who heals you.” (Exodus 15:26); for you, I pray for God’s “peace the passes all understanding.” (Phil 4:6).

  4. You are cannot do more or her than give her meds(if your a dr).i cannot understand what mallorie is going through like you but i do know that God answerd her already.He already provided her with strength.I’t is up to her,to change her state of mind and remember who’s daughter she is.One thing that you have to understand while you there fore here and her situation giving you multiples of emotions.That as much as God is there fore her so is satan but providing a different inspiration.She’s in a battle with satan than she is with the sickness.But daughters and sons of God know when to rise and shine.So she will and it’s only a matter time.ambroecia.your blog fan

  5. I’m Jason’s mom. I am praying fighting prayers for your baby girl right now. They have been sharing with me what’s going on. Remember, cancer is not who she is, and it is not “her” cancer. It is an agent that is attacking her, and so we pray. Hold strong. Joshua 1:9

  6. We are good friends of Bill & Toni Van Cleave & have been following their posts & your blog regarding Mallorie. Praying for you & your family & especially Mallorie. Ps 46:10 is one of my favorite verses also as so many times in our life we have not understood why we are allowed such trying difficult situations & all we can do is Be Still & know that God knows & He is Love & has our best interest in His plan. We certainly don’t understand. I pray for strength for the family and for healing for Mallorie. God has you all in His grip holding you in His arms when you are too weak to hang on. Keep trusting & believing. We will continue praying!

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